First day

So it's the first day of the official aths season for me!
I'm running a 400 today, except I'm only doing the first 300 fast as a time trial then easing off.
I'm not nervous much, I just really want to do well. My coach wants me to run about a 43 which is pretty achievable I think.
Im kind of worried about being in this crop top and Knicks again though, in reality my weight is the same as it was at the end of last season anyway so I guess theres not much to be worried about. I'm worried my breakfast is going to make me bloated- I don't see the nutritionist until 3 weeks.
I'm sure ill be fine though.
Wish me luck!
Stay strong <3
Courtney

Clothes....

So things have Ben going great recently, I've been eating what my nutritionist says, running is getting better and I've been better with the whole good vs bad food thing.
But, yeah theres always a but, tomorrow I have a leadership day since I'm house captain at school and it's casual dress. I spent like an hour trying to find some shorts since all I own are short shorts and it's going to be to hot for pants. It's just us leaders and my principal so yeah... No short shorts.
So I spent a whole hour looking for some freaking shorts in my own cupboard as well as trying all of mums on, getting more and more frustrated every time I put on a pair of shorts that highlighted my freaking huge thighs.
Ok, so it was one pair.
But, majority of the shorts I tried on were either old shorts that fit me last summer and no longer do, or mums shorts which are pretty much the same.
I sat on my floor and looked in my mirror and got that disgusting feeling I used to and started crying.
Mum finally found me some shorts and assumed that's what was wrong but after I didn't get any happier she asked (forced) me to tell her what was wrong. I didn't want to tell her because I knew it would sound stupid to her but eventually I gave in.
Her reply 'Dont be ridiculous, it was only one pair and every teenage girl in our town wishes they had your muscly legs.' yup, I told you so.
She looked kind of upset and by this stage I was full on bawling and she kept asking 'do you seriously think your fat?'but I wouldn't reply.
I KNOW she thinks I'm being stupid which is kind of ironic since she used to have bulimia.
It's just so frustrating, and she's too scared to even say anything to do with an eating disorder because she doesn't want to believe that I had/am recovering from one rather than just not eating enough for the amount of running I do.

Also, Ive been experiencing really bad bloating which is not doing much to help my confidence level at the moment. It happens every time I eat, no matter how big or small and my nutritionist is investigating possible food intolerances so ill keep you updated on that.

Stay strong (even if I'm not doing such a great job)
Courtney

Woah. Its been FOREVER since I blogged.
Things have been... not so great.
I had my first competition of the season last week and got sick the day before, I ended up with a fever for 4 days and came 7th in both my races with crappy times in a meet where I should have been able to win easily.
And then because I was sick I wasnt eating much which is normal I guess, except that I KNEW i had lost weight so I weighed myself. I havent done that in forever because its triggering for me and it really doesnt matter what I weigh anyway. I'd lost about 4 pounds.
My hunger cues went out of whack and so I decided to keep going with the whole 'I feel sick' thing to get me out of eating. Not good.
THEN, today at training (which my coach wont really let me do until im better from my flu) my coach had a go at  me for not sticking to my meal plan, then told me not to bother going to sydney because i wasnt going to make nationals and I wouldnt run faster than 4 seconds off my pb. I know its just because he cares about me and wants me to be okay, but it really upset me. He told me that i lie to him and tell him okay when im not, which is only because im really determined to not let anything stop me and HATE to miss training. He then told me a story about a girl he used to coach who had anorexia and said that she used to lie to, until he picked her boney body off the track when she collapsed in a race. I've been crying since I got home, which was an hour ago.
I've never actually been diagnosed with an eating disorder. Like, Mum and my nutritionist have implied it but the word has never been said aloud. I know my coach is worried, but i really am trying to get better. I wish he could understand that you cant just decide to get better, and start eating properly again.
I'm going to ask my Mum to make another appointment with my nutritionist, so she can reinforce what i'm supposed to be doing and I'll try and start over.
Arghh. It feels like nothing is ever going to get better.

10 reasons why I love recovery.

Hello :)
I've been restricting myself over the weekend... Again.
I know it needs to stop but at least it's only for the weekend, weekdays I eat pretty much according to my food plan set by my nutritionist.
I've also been excessively counting calories, it's so hard to stop because I don't even catch myself doing it until it's too late! Does anyone have any advice on this? (much appreciated!)
On the mental/moody front I've been really good, the whole 'i need to stay happy' attitude thing has really helped me... Be happy? ;)
Training is still sucking but I think it's just one of those phases you go through, I'm stronger than ever and feeling great when I'm running, I just haven't been able to hit and hold onto good times. I think I'm just being impatient :)
My first comp for the season is in about 5 weeks in Sydney which is pretty nerve-racking, last time I ran was at my worst stage of ED so I'm really nervous to see how I go now that I'm healthy again! I'm also feeling kind of worried about being in a crop top/ running Knicks again but i guess I'll just have to try and get past that.
I thought I'd make a bit of a list of why I love ED recovery since I tend to focus on why I hate it and thought i would share it with you:
1. I'm so much stronger (which will equate to faster come track season)
2. I dont feel hungry all the time
3. I don't get that dizzy/fainting feeling when my blood sugar is really low
4. Im actually supposed to eat that yummy (insert sweet food here) occasionally
5. I can eat the yummy things I cook AND know it's not doing me harm, it's actually making me healthier (I LOVE cooking!)
6. I can help other people get better too
7. I judge people on their happiness, not on their weight or how they look (because honestly, it doesn't matter!)
8.I go to bed at night looking forward the breakfast in the morning
9. I've realized how much people care about me (thanks mummy and my coach!)
10. I have a freaking 6-pack :) :) (hahahahaha)

Stay strong <3
courtney

Training

Hey :)
I'm feeling good today!
Its always a good thing when I go to bed looking forward to my yummy cereal in the morning.
So it's like, 10pm now and I realized I haven't posted in a little bit so I thought id update on how I am.
Last week was horrible, padticularly Saturday when eating a little bit of the icing and cake mix from the cupcakes I was making for my little brother meant I skipped morning tea, lunch, afternoon tea and supper. So I had breakfast and dinner that day, and tried to train the next day. At least I can understand the importance of fueling my body properly now.
After a really bad week, I woke up feeling good on Sunday... Until I got to training where my coach was in a bad mood and told me I wasn't trying hard enough in my repeats. Good mood ruined, theres nothing I hate more than being told I'm not giving it my all. (my coach is NOT a horrible person! He's like a grandfather to me. He was also the first person to recognize my ED even though I was in denial myself)
I went to see soul surfer with my best friend and decided, after realizing that im lucky to even have a body that works, that I was going to do my absolute best to be happy instead of miserable about food and look after it.
So ive been fairly good the last 3 days, ocassionaly restricting myself a bit, but im staying positive about everything. Training has been... Difficult. Im finding on my repeats that the first few times are great then BAM! Sudden drop off. I guess it happens to everyone occasionally, I have a rest day (strength work in my garage) tomorrow so hopefully Fridays session will be better.
Also, if anyone ever wants to talk, I'd be happy to listen and offer advice where I can :)
Stay strong <3
Courtney

Future?

Gahh! I had home Eco (food/cooking) at school today which completely stuffed up my mind.
I started counting calories and trying to limit myself to less than I need to run well and once I start counting, i find it super hard to forget what I'm up to.
But then again, a little over a month ago I would have eaten HALF of what I did today so I can't be too hard on myself. I just need to remember that these rough patches don't last as long as I pull myself through them and dont give in!
Everyday, that voice in my head gets a little quieter. I'm not saying that it disappears, because it doesn't, but I'm a strong girl, I'm a determined girl and one day that voice will be barely a whisper (cheesy but true!)
Also, since I'm In the midst of choosing my year 11-12 subjects which Impact my university choices, I've found myself looking at jobs that can help others get through what I struggle with, kind of amazing for me when for as long as I can remember Ive wanted to be a designer. Specifically, I want to help young athletes realise that just because they're in a sport where emphasis is on extreme skinnyness, they are made the way that god intended and from experience, stronger is a lot faster than 'lighter'.
Were having a follow up body image session at school on Friday with all the girls in my year level. Im really looking forward to it, it's something that girls in every school should be able to participate in. It might get a little tough inside my head even though I won't show it, but im glad that people recognize the growing problem of ED's is a real issue in teenage girls(and guys!)
Stay strong <3
Courtney

Nutritionists and Comedians

I went to my nutritionist on Saturday and she was super pleased with me!
She said she's really happy with the way I'm managing and sticking to my food plan (well, most of the time).
It was also the first time I had seen her since I had fully recognized (and my mum!) that I had an ED, which made me pretty nervous about opening up but thankfully she's really easy to talk to and really supportive. She reinforced the fact that I AM doing the right thing by getting better and taught me how to keep my 'good brain' (the one that wants and knows I need to get better) in control instead of my 'bad brain'(EDNOS). I think the other reason I felt so nervous was that I haven't weighed myself in like 3 weeks and was scared of being weighed and seeing a huge number (I've gained so much muscle and I'm not dehydrated anymore so obviously it would go up, not sure I could cope with that) but she, now that I think of it, would have realized that and actually told me that she didn't care how much I weighed, unless it was used for hydration purposes.

ALSO, the last 2ish days since then have been good, although last week on school camp I had a major breakdown one night (don't worry, I didnt relapse again) but that's another story. Oh actually, have to add that the next day I got a necklace engraved at the markets with 'stay strong', awesome right? I was starting to go a bit downhill today until the school consellor arannged all the year 9 and 10 girls to talk with a comedian about body image (which was completely hilarious by the way). God is good, right? So that was majorly helpful in preventing... Anything. I had a good cry when I got home about it, obviously had to hold it in until I got home from school. I felt really pained that I do have an ED and body image issues, but at the same time so grateful that there are people like that who dedicate their lives to traveling to schools to promote such a powerful message.

I'm going to bed feeling okay tonight, not 'great' but not on the verge of a huge relapse either, tomorrow is another day and I'm sure I'll be in a brand new state of mind in the morning and I'll deal with that whether it be good or bad.

Stay strong <3
Courtney