Woah. Its been FOREVER since I blogged.
Things have been... not so great.
I had my first competition of the season last week and got sick the day before, I ended up with a fever for 4 days and came 7th in both my races with crappy times in a meet where I should have been able to win easily.
And then because I was sick I wasnt eating much which is normal I guess, except that I KNEW i had lost weight so I weighed myself. I havent done that in forever because its triggering for me and it really doesnt matter what I weigh anyway. I'd lost about 4 pounds.
My hunger cues went out of whack and so I decided to keep going with the whole 'I feel sick' thing to get me out of eating. Not good.
THEN, today at training (which my coach wont really let me do until im better from my flu) my coach had a go at me for not sticking to my meal plan, then told me not to bother going to sydney because i wasnt going to make nationals and I wouldnt run faster than 4 seconds off my pb. I know its just because he cares about me and wants me to be okay, but it really upset me. He told me that i lie to him and tell him okay when im not, which is only because im really determined to not let anything stop me and HATE to miss training. He then told me a story about a girl he used to coach who had anorexia and said that she used to lie to, until he picked her boney body off the track when she collapsed in a race. I've been crying since I got home, which was an hour ago.
I've never actually been diagnosed with an eating disorder. Like, Mum and my nutritionist have implied it but the word has never been said aloud. I know my coach is worried, but i really am trying to get better. I wish he could understand that you cant just decide to get better, and start eating properly again.
I'm going to ask my Mum to make another appointment with my nutritionist, so she can reinforce what i'm supposed to be doing and I'll try and start over.
Arghh. It feels like nothing is ever going to get better.