Hello :)
I've been restricting myself over the weekend... Again.
I know it needs to stop but at least it's only for the weekend, weekdays I eat pretty much according to my food plan set by my nutritionist.
I've also been excessively counting calories, it's so hard to stop because I don't even catch myself doing it until it's too late! Does anyone have any advice on this? (much appreciated!)
On the mental/moody front I've been really good, the whole 'i need to stay happy' attitude thing has really helped me... Be happy? ;)
Training is still sucking but I think it's just one of those phases you go through, I'm stronger than ever and feeling great when I'm running, I just haven't been able to hit and hold onto good times. I think I'm just being impatient :)
My first comp for the season is in about 5 weeks in Sydney which is pretty nerve-racking, last time I ran was at my worst stage of ED so I'm really nervous to see how I go now that I'm healthy again! I'm also feeling kind of worried about being in a crop top/ running Knicks again but i guess I'll just have to try and get past that.
I thought I'd make a bit of a list of why I love ED recovery since I tend to focus on why I hate it and thought i would share it with you:
1. I'm so much stronger (which will equate to faster come track season)
2. I dont feel hungry all the time
3. I don't get that dizzy/fainting feeling when my blood sugar is really low
4. Im actually supposed to eat that yummy (insert sweet food here) occasionally
5. I can eat the yummy things I cook AND know it's not doing me harm, it's actually making me healthier (I LOVE cooking!)
6. I can help other people get better too
7. I judge people on their happiness, not on their weight or how they look (because honestly, it doesn't matter!)
8.I go to bed at night looking forward the breakfast in the morning
9. I've realized how much people care about me (thanks mummy and my coach!)
10. I have a freaking 6-pack :) :) (hahahahaha)
Stay strong <3
courtney
Sunday, 7 August 2011
Wednesday, 3 August 2011
Training
Hey :)
I'm feeling good today!
Its always a good thing when I go to bed looking forward to my yummy cereal in the morning.
So it's like, 10pm now and I realized I haven't posted in a little bit so I thought id update on how I am.
Last week was horrible, padticularly Saturday when eating a little bit of the icing and cake mix from the cupcakes I was making for my little brother meant I skipped morning tea, lunch, afternoon tea and supper. So I had breakfast and dinner that day, and tried to train the next day. At least I can understand the importance of fueling my body properly now.
After a really bad week, I woke up feeling good on Sunday... Until I got to training where my coach was in a bad mood and told me I wasn't trying hard enough in my repeats. Good mood ruined, theres nothing I hate more than being told I'm not giving it my all. (my coach is NOT a horrible person! He's like a grandfather to me. He was also the first person to recognize my ED even though I was in denial myself)
I went to see soul surfer with my best friend and decided, after realizing that im lucky to even have a body that works, that I was going to do my absolute best to be happy instead of miserable about food and look after it.
So ive been fairly good the last 3 days, ocassionaly restricting myself a bit, but im staying positive about everything. Training has been... Difficult. Im finding on my repeats that the first few times are great then BAM! Sudden drop off. I guess it happens to everyone occasionally, I have a rest day (strength work in my garage) tomorrow so hopefully Fridays session will be better.
Also, if anyone ever wants to talk, I'd be happy to listen and offer advice where I can :)
Stay strong <3
Courtney
I'm feeling good today!
Its always a good thing when I go to bed looking forward to my yummy cereal in the morning.
So it's like, 10pm now and I realized I haven't posted in a little bit so I thought id update on how I am.
Last week was horrible, padticularly Saturday when eating a little bit of the icing and cake mix from the cupcakes I was making for my little brother meant I skipped morning tea, lunch, afternoon tea and supper. So I had breakfast and dinner that day, and tried to train the next day. At least I can understand the importance of fueling my body properly now.
After a really bad week, I woke up feeling good on Sunday... Until I got to training where my coach was in a bad mood and told me I wasn't trying hard enough in my repeats. Good mood ruined, theres nothing I hate more than being told I'm not giving it my all. (my coach is NOT a horrible person! He's like a grandfather to me. He was also the first person to recognize my ED even though I was in denial myself)
I went to see soul surfer with my best friend and decided, after realizing that im lucky to even have a body that works, that I was going to do my absolute best to be happy instead of miserable about food and look after it.
So ive been fairly good the last 3 days, ocassionaly restricting myself a bit, but im staying positive about everything. Training has been... Difficult. Im finding on my repeats that the first few times are great then BAM! Sudden drop off. I guess it happens to everyone occasionally, I have a rest day (strength work in my garage) tomorrow so hopefully Fridays session will be better.
Also, if anyone ever wants to talk, I'd be happy to listen and offer advice where I can :)
Stay strong <3
Courtney
Tuesday, 26 July 2011
Future?
Gahh! I had home Eco (food/cooking) at school today which completely stuffed up my mind.
I started counting calories and trying to limit myself to less than I need to run well and once I start counting, i find it super hard to forget what I'm up to.
But then again, a little over a month ago I would have eaten HALF of what I did today so I can't be too hard on myself. I just need to remember that these rough patches don't last as long as I pull myself through them and dont give in!
Everyday, that voice in my head gets a little quieter. I'm not saying that it disappears, because it doesn't, but I'm a strong girl, I'm a determined girl and one day that voice will be barely a whisper (cheesy but true!)
Also, since I'm In the midst of choosing my year 11-12 subjects which Impact my university choices, I've found myself looking at jobs that can help others get through what I struggle with, kind of amazing for me when for as long as I can remember Ive wanted to be a designer. Specifically, I want to help young athletes realise that just because they're in a sport where emphasis is on extreme skinnyness, they are made the way that god intended and from experience, stronger is a lot faster than 'lighter'.
Were having a follow up body image session at school on Friday with all the girls in my year level. Im really looking forward to it, it's something that girls in every school should be able to participate in. It might get a little tough inside my head even though I won't show it, but im glad that people recognize the growing problem of ED's is a real issue in teenage girls(and guys!)
Stay strong <3
Courtney
I started counting calories and trying to limit myself to less than I need to run well and once I start counting, i find it super hard to forget what I'm up to.
But then again, a little over a month ago I would have eaten HALF of what I did today so I can't be too hard on myself. I just need to remember that these rough patches don't last as long as I pull myself through them and dont give in!
Everyday, that voice in my head gets a little quieter. I'm not saying that it disappears, because it doesn't, but I'm a strong girl, I'm a determined girl and one day that voice will be barely a whisper (cheesy but true!)
Also, since I'm In the midst of choosing my year 11-12 subjects which Impact my university choices, I've found myself looking at jobs that can help others get through what I struggle with, kind of amazing for me when for as long as I can remember Ive wanted to be a designer. Specifically, I want to help young athletes realise that just because they're in a sport where emphasis is on extreme skinnyness, they are made the way that god intended and from experience, stronger is a lot faster than 'lighter'.
Were having a follow up body image session at school on Friday with all the girls in my year level. Im really looking forward to it, it's something that girls in every school should be able to participate in. It might get a little tough inside my head even though I won't show it, but im glad that people recognize the growing problem of ED's is a real issue in teenage girls(and guys!)
Stay strong <3
Courtney
Monday, 25 July 2011
Nutritionists and Comedians
I went to my nutritionist on Saturday and she was super pleased with me!
She said she's really happy with the way I'm managing and sticking to my food plan (well, most of the time).
It was also the first time I had seen her since I had fully recognized (and my mum!) that I had an ED, which made me pretty nervous about opening up but thankfully she's really easy to talk to and really supportive. She reinforced the fact that I AM doing the right thing by getting better and taught me how to keep my 'good brain' (the one that wants and knows I need to get better) in control instead of my 'bad brain'(EDNOS). I think the other reason I felt so nervous was that I haven't weighed myself in like 3 weeks and was scared of being weighed and seeing a huge number (I've gained so much muscle and I'm not dehydrated anymore so obviously it would go up, not sure I could cope with that) but she, now that I think of it, would have realized that and actually told me that she didn't care how much I weighed, unless it was used for hydration purposes.
ALSO, the last 2ish days since then have been good, although last week on school camp I had a major breakdown one night (don't worry, I didnt relapse again) but that's another story. Oh actually, have to add that the next day I got a necklace engraved at the markets with 'stay strong', awesome right? I was starting to go a bit downhill today until the school consellor arannged all the year 9 and 10 girls to talk with a comedian about body image (which was completely hilarious by the way). God is good, right? So that was majorly helpful in preventing... Anything. I had a good cry when I got home about it, obviously had to hold it in until I got home from school. I felt really pained that I do have an ED and body image issues, but at the same time so grateful that there are people like that who dedicate their lives to traveling to schools to promote such a powerful message.
I'm going to bed feeling okay tonight, not 'great' but not on the verge of a huge relapse either, tomorrow is another day and I'm sure I'll be in a brand new state of mind in the morning and I'll deal with that whether it be good or bad.
Stay strong <3
Courtney
She said she's really happy with the way I'm managing and sticking to my food plan (well, most of the time).
It was also the first time I had seen her since I had fully recognized (and my mum!) that I had an ED, which made me pretty nervous about opening up but thankfully she's really easy to talk to and really supportive. She reinforced the fact that I AM doing the right thing by getting better and taught me how to keep my 'good brain' (the one that wants and knows I need to get better) in control instead of my 'bad brain'(EDNOS). I think the other reason I felt so nervous was that I haven't weighed myself in like 3 weeks and was scared of being weighed and seeing a huge number (I've gained so much muscle and I'm not dehydrated anymore so obviously it would go up, not sure I could cope with that) but she, now that I think of it, would have realized that and actually told me that she didn't care how much I weighed, unless it was used for hydration purposes.
ALSO, the last 2ish days since then have been good, although last week on school camp I had a major breakdown one night (don't worry, I didnt relapse again) but that's another story. Oh actually, have to add that the next day I got a necklace engraved at the markets with 'stay strong', awesome right? I was starting to go a bit downhill today until the school consellor arannged all the year 9 and 10 girls to talk with a comedian about body image (which was completely hilarious by the way). God is good, right? So that was majorly helpful in preventing... Anything. I had a good cry when I got home about it, obviously had to hold it in until I got home from school. I felt really pained that I do have an ED and body image issues, but at the same time so grateful that there are people like that who dedicate their lives to traveling to schools to promote such a powerful message.
I'm going to bed feeling okay tonight, not 'great' but not on the verge of a huge relapse either, tomorrow is another day and I'm sure I'll be in a brand new state of mind in the morning and I'll deal with that whether it be good or bad.
Stay strong <3
Courtney
Saturday, 16 July 2011
Set Backs
Its annoying how when everything seems to be going well, all of a sudden everything takes a sudden change.
When I woke up this morning, I ate my breakfast, and my morning snack. I had every intention to continue eating according to my food-plan.
Then I did some baking and ate some of the mixture- so i decided i'd skip lunch.
Mum came home and bought me a chocolate bar, so that was my afternoon tea.
Not a huge 'slip up' for most people, but to my mind- it felt like the end of the world (I can and will eat as much as Im supposed to now... but I struggle with the whole good/bad food issue.)
I purged, which I felt terrible about, but I felt like I HAD to.
I ate my dinner as per usual but am going to bed without my dessert/supper.
I feel so weak and I know I should just walk right back out to the kitchen and get something but I feel like if I can succumb just tonight, I'll be able to fight (properly) again tomorrow.
I know small 'relapses' are common and to be expected, which is why tomorrow is a brand new day, and I still have every intention of kicking this thing in the butt!
Stay Strong <3
Courtney
When I woke up this morning, I ate my breakfast, and my morning snack. I had every intention to continue eating according to my food-plan.
Then I did some baking and ate some of the mixture- so i decided i'd skip lunch.
Mum came home and bought me a chocolate bar, so that was my afternoon tea.
Not a huge 'slip up' for most people, but to my mind- it felt like the end of the world (I can and will eat as much as Im supposed to now... but I struggle with the whole good/bad food issue.)
I purged, which I felt terrible about, but I felt like I HAD to.
I ate my dinner as per usual but am going to bed without my dessert/supper.
I feel so weak and I know I should just walk right back out to the kitchen and get something but I feel like if I can succumb just tonight, I'll be able to fight (properly) again tomorrow.
I know small 'relapses' are common and to be expected, which is why tomorrow is a brand new day, and I still have every intention of kicking this thing in the butt!
Stay Strong <3
Courtney
Tuesday, 12 July 2011
I am a skyscraper
It's funny how when a celebrity 'isn't perfect' they are put to shame in the public eye.
I was talking with my Mum today about Demi Lovato, for those who don't know her she's an 18 year old Disney actor who had an eating disorder, bipolar and cutting issues. Demi was strong enough to drop out of her 2010 tour with the Jonas Brothers to seek help and stayed in a treatment centre labelled 'rehab' by the paparazzi while rumors about her being in their for drug addictions were spiraling out of control.
She no longer has a contract with disney, whether that was by her choice or theirs I have no idea but since she's come out of the treatment centre she's inspiring so many people, like me, who battle with real life self confidence issues.
She's been a true inspiration, even though many people have no labelled her as unworthy as being a good role model. It sickens me that someone so REAL gets criticized for overcoming what she has and inspiring so Many others to do the same.
Demi's twitter is @ddlovato for those that are interested, she really encourages the fact that everyone has a right to feel beautiful and be at peace with their own body.
I SERIOUSlY reccomend listening to her new song that was released today on iTunes called 'skyscraper', YouTube it and really listen to the lyrics.
Read the lyrics of the chorus and relate it to your own battles, whatever they might be and you'll be inspired.
You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper, like a skyscraper
It's one of those songs that really makes you cry without even realising.
Anyway, for the most part, today has been a good day.
Things are going to get better, my ED might be able to tear me down and break me if I let it, but I'm not, I'm a skyscraper and I'm going to rise above it!
stay strong <3
Courtney
I was talking with my Mum today about Demi Lovato, for those who don't know her she's an 18 year old Disney actor who had an eating disorder, bipolar and cutting issues. Demi was strong enough to drop out of her 2010 tour with the Jonas Brothers to seek help and stayed in a treatment centre labelled 'rehab' by the paparazzi while rumors about her being in their for drug addictions were spiraling out of control.
She no longer has a contract with disney, whether that was by her choice or theirs I have no idea but since she's come out of the treatment centre she's inspiring so many people, like me, who battle with real life self confidence issues.
She's been a true inspiration, even though many people have no labelled her as unworthy as being a good role model. It sickens me that someone so REAL gets criticized for overcoming what she has and inspiring so Many others to do the same.
Demi's twitter is @ddlovato for those that are interested, she really encourages the fact that everyone has a right to feel beautiful and be at peace with their own body.
I SERIOUSlY reccomend listening to her new song that was released today on iTunes called 'skyscraper', YouTube it and really listen to the lyrics.
Read the lyrics of the chorus and relate it to your own battles, whatever they might be and you'll be inspired.
You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper, like a skyscraper
It's one of those songs that really makes you cry without even realising.
Anyway, for the most part, today has been a good day.
Things are going to get better, my ED might be able to tear me down and break me if I let it, but I'm not, I'm a skyscraper and I'm going to rise above it!
stay strong <3
Courtney
Monday, 11 July 2011
Mind over Matter
I can't believe how far I've come in just 3 weeks.
I'm so thankful to my Mum and my Coach for being so alert and not taking 'im fine' for an answer when it came to my health.
My visit to the sports nutritionist opened my eyes to the amount I was eating compared to what an athlete my age should be eating for optimum health and performance. Although at that stage I hadnt told anyone about my ED I decided that the purging after meals had to stop and even though my head was screaming at me, I stuck to the meal plan she had set for me.
I'd be lying if I said the past 3 weeks had been easy, when I realized I'd put on 3kg, I had a complete breakdown (which actually led to me admitting everything to Mum). Mum has been very supportive, I found out she used to suffer for bulimia and I wouldn't be able to get through my 'down days' without her. She reminds me to think with my head and not through my reflection or weight and to focus on my health.
She emailed my nutritionist who reminded me that:
-1L water = 1Kg (I drink at least 2L of water a day)
-My muscle is rebuilding so 'heaviness'doesnt necessarily account to extra 'fat'
-The food I eat sits in my body to be digested and adds 'heaviness' even though it's not actually a part of my body
-I DONT NEED TO WEIGH MYSELF
I'm already starting to run better, I think my coach might have purposely planned a time trial to show me that. I'm not chronically dehydrated, malnourished and the iron deficiency anemia is gradually getting better.
Im in no way near the end of my recovery, physically I'm getting better and have no trouble eating, but I fight with my head constantly and it's going to take a long time to regain control of my thoughts.
But however long it takes, I'm going to get better.
Stay Strong <3
Courtney
I'm so thankful to my Mum and my Coach for being so alert and not taking 'im fine' for an answer when it came to my health.
My visit to the sports nutritionist opened my eyes to the amount I was eating compared to what an athlete my age should be eating for optimum health and performance. Although at that stage I hadnt told anyone about my ED I decided that the purging after meals had to stop and even though my head was screaming at me, I stuck to the meal plan she had set for me.
I'd be lying if I said the past 3 weeks had been easy, when I realized I'd put on 3kg, I had a complete breakdown (which actually led to me admitting everything to Mum). Mum has been very supportive, I found out she used to suffer for bulimia and I wouldn't be able to get through my 'down days' without her. She reminds me to think with my head and not through my reflection or weight and to focus on my health.
She emailed my nutritionist who reminded me that:
-1L water = 1Kg (I drink at least 2L of water a day)
-My muscle is rebuilding so 'heaviness'doesnt necessarily account to extra 'fat'
-The food I eat sits in my body to be digested and adds 'heaviness' even though it's not actually a part of my body
-I DONT NEED TO WEIGH MYSELF
I'm already starting to run better, I think my coach might have purposely planned a time trial to show me that. I'm not chronically dehydrated, malnourished and the iron deficiency anemia is gradually getting better.
Im in no way near the end of my recovery, physically I'm getting better and have no trouble eating, but I fight with my head constantly and it's going to take a long time to regain control of my thoughts.
But however long it takes, I'm going to get better.
Stay Strong <3
Courtney
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